Stop In the Name of Love

So we are all in the middle of the rudest summer cold. I mean, getting sick in June is just so depressing. I won’t go into the myriad of other things that have gone terribly wrong this week, but just know. Things have been rough and unfair and I have had it. Ha! As if I’m going to hand in my two weeks or something. I’ve had it but I’m clearly at the mercy of life, so it goes on.

Anyway, in my desperate attempt to corral the energetic-without-a-cause (children) I came up with a project. It is the quickest and sloppiest craft imaginable which means I LOVE IT. 

Ben is obsessed with stop lights. So I traced some circles on printer paper and had Alina color the red light and Ben color the green light.

  Then I used packing tape to stick them on opposite sides of a cardboard box so that they could flip it back and forth. I also brought out other boxes they could use as cars but they found they would rather make tracks and use toy cars.


I thought it was brilliant and would buy me at least an hour. But alas, it was more like ten minutes. I hope you fare better if you try it! I also recommend painter’s tape roads as a nice pairing. 

What’s your trick for when you feel awful and need to distract the kids??

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I have been having such a hard time writing lately. I think it’s been an extension of the struggle I’ve been working on inside- I’ve gotten a little too good at shoving negative feelings down deep and “carrying on” slash “getting through it” slash “being a rock” etc etc. because let’s face it, you just can’t give in to tears and anger and sleep whenever difficult times come around. And so I’ve been putting them off. 

And the trouble is, because I haven’t really let these tears and frustrated feelings to the surface, they have been creeping out at other times. In my dreams, sometimes. Insomnia has started to get worse and worse. I have to avoid others who are suffering because I am afraid it will pull me down into a depression so great that I won’t be able to live my life and get all the things done that I need to. But worst of all, my joy has been capped off. Because I haven’t been able to reach the lowest lows in a healthy way, I haven’t been reaching the highest highs either.


So, I’m working on it. It is just plain hard to have full blown emotions around your toddlers. I cried in front of Ben the other day, though, and he handled it beautifully. He brought me a flower and told me I would feel better soon. 

I still feel really weird about it. And with work picking up there is a whole lot less time to sit with my feelings when I need to be creative and processing orders. I cannot create art when I’m sad or angry. Just this knowledge alone makes me furious when I have a deadline and some terrible mood has decided it can’t be put off any longer. 

So I guess I have no choice but to brood, and seethe, and cry until it gets better. This is much harder than just cleaning the kitchen. 

And it’s summer. And I just want to revel in my beautiful family and fun times before the routine of school takes my life and turns it into a tornado.

Currently, I am trying to meditate before bed, I started a workout schedule with a friend three mornings a week, and I am seeing a new therapist and trying to get back to my Al-Anon meetings and working the steps. Last night I let myself get too tired and my anxiety reared. I calmed myself by playing video games instead of writing things out and I had an anxiety nightmare. So, will have to try that again. Win some lose some?

Do you have anxiety and insomnia? How do you treat it?

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